Hello 3.30am

21st August.3.30am my alarm went off. Startled I sat bolt upright, I’d only been asleep for 4 hours. My left eye was stuck shut. I peeled it open whilst trying not to scream. The pain was intense. The house was deadly quiet. It was pitch black. The house slept. And then the deep purring from the end of my bed, closer and closer until I could smell what can only be described as the foulest of dog turd/gum diseased breaths. Misty my faithful yet crusty cat had awoken. I felt her whisker touch my nose and retched silently as the vile stench from her putrid purr caressed my nostrils and filled the room quicker than a fart in a lift. I pushed her off the bed but she clung on to the duvet and meowed in my face. Her demonic crusty eyes glinted and for a second I felt scared. My reptilian foot did the trick and she legged it downstairs. Carolyn woke from a deep sleep. I could sense she was not in the best of moods. Followed by the girls. Hurrah I thought as I applied more Nivea to my sore Brazilian and tried hard not to scratch it – we are off on holiday today. Let’s hope the journey is pain free. P l e a s e!! 

Day 1. Dry January 2015

My hangover has passed and as I sit watching Batman and sipping my diet Coke I have this urge to pour myself the remainder of the Taittinger I guzzled last night. I must resist! Misty my faithful yet crusty cat can sense my thirst, her eyes are upon me and when they are not, she is scratching her scabs and eating her bottom, her slurping sounds remind me of a lesbian knocking shop I once frequented. But that’s another story.

And so with the kettle on I throw my peppermint nettle and ruddy ginkgo infusion tea bag into my cup. I pour away the leftover champagne and wine into the sink hit the switch and hit the deck.

Day 1 done and dusted. Night night.

Bonjour! We have arrived

We had arrived at my sister’s restaurant all in one piece, apart from the car. We all stumbled out and gathered our belongings. By the time we had reached the bar Jolyon was ordering his second Bordeaux Superior (Grand). Relief and happiness soon turned into dismay (the car was fucked, we were 450 Euros down and we needed to get it fixed again so we could drive on to Mothers after the surprise party). The plan was to stay with her for a few days and then drive back to Bordeaux to catch the flight home. The twins had now reached an alarmingly high temperature and were refusing all food. Carolyn was the same. My head was pounding and Jolyon had coughed again. But my sister Kate was delighted we had made it and fetched us food and drink before we all headed to her home for a good kip. On route to Kate’s we picked up our Niece and Nephew (Hannah and Thomas) from school much to Jolyons annoyance. He didn’t want to see any more children that day and refused to speak to any of them. Jolyon then descended into a man strop for the journey home and didn’t speak to any of us. Was our plan to give our Mother the ‘Mother’ of all heart attacks going to work? Would the Miller family be united in France for her 70th? Would Carolyn stop throwing up? Would Ruby & Vivien feel better? Was I coming down with something as well? Mother’s surprise Party was tomorrow evening and she had no idea we were in France. Gawd Bless Her. I sucked hard on my mint and prayed!

 

Bordeaux – the arrival.

26 March 2013

And so our family trip to SW France had arrived. Filled with much excitement, and in Jolyon’s case, much wine, we flew in style to Bordeaux where we collected our car and proceeded to drive out of the carpark. After an hour of navigating the car park and understanding the sat nav we made it on a road out of Bordeaux. As we surveyed (or regarded) the Chateaux we did not notice the road getting thinner, and promptly crashed the car in a lovely little town just outside of Bordeaux.

Our nightmare had only just begun.