Toys R Us

Shopping and big girl pants

Today the ‘family’ decided to partake in two of my 127 most upsetting family activities: Going to Reading and shopping. Today we were buying bikes. What friggin joy! After spending over 45 minutes ‘getting ready’ and putting the girls in their ‘big girl pants’ (we are potty training) we piled into the car and headed to Halfords. Picture this: Radio 4. Quietness from the back. A gentle breeze taps my face as I survey the beautiful countryside. And then as my nostrils twitch and slowly expand I catch the stench of shit that has travelled from the back. A pit stop. And we resume our journey. Oh Joy!

I walked into Halfords and decided I didn’t like it one bit. The long and deadly slow walk up the very large staircase to the bike section was a waste of time. Mr Gotmenobrain slowly put down his tyre and shuffled over to us. He smelt of rubber. I grabbed the girls and told them we were leaving. The screams they made as we dragged them down the stairs caused people to stare.

We would go to Toys R Us. As we entered Ruby decided to pee in her pants. We all rushed to the toilets and removed her soiled Peppa pig big girl pants. I stared hard in the mirror as the chaos around me grew louder. And then darted out. It stunk. I told Vivien if she needed the toilet to let us know. She was a big girl now who wore big girl pants. She nodded. We found the bikes. Result.

I took Vivien to pay whilst Carolyn took Ruby back to the toilet again. I watched Vivien play inside the awful primary coloured Wendy houses that I will never allow in my garden. I proudly watched her climb the bright yellow plastic slide and as she slid down mouthed Holy Fuck as I noticed the immense skid mark she left behind her. The smell was causing my mouth to resemble a cats ass. The embarrassment caused a hot flush. I flagged Carolyn and handed Vivien to her. We rushed her to the car. Opened the boot. Realised we had no wipes. Swore. Found some old ones. Closed boot and went home.

I friggin hate shopping, I hate potty training, I hate Reading, and 124 other things I will tell you about in time.

Shopping and big girl pants

Today the ‘family’ decided to partake in two of my 127 most upsetting family activities: Going to Reading and shopping. Today we were buying bikes. What friggin joy! After spending over 45 minutes ‘getting ready’ and putting the girls in their ‘big girl pants’ (we are potty training) we piled into the car and headed to Halfords. Picture this: Radio 4. Quietness from the back. A gentle breeze taps my face as I survey the beautiful countryside. And then as my nostrils twitch and slowly expand I catch the stench of shit that has travelled from the back. A pit stop. And we resume our journey. Oh Joy!

I walked into Halfords and decided I didn’t like it one bit. The long and deadly slow walk up the very large staircase to the bike section was a waste of time. Mr Gotmenobrain slowly put down his tyre and shuffled over to us. He smelt of rubber. I grabbed the girls and told them we were leaving. The screams they made as we dragged them down the stairs caused people to stare.

We would go to Toys R Us. As we entered Ruby decided to pee in her pants. We all rushed to the toilets and removed her soiled Peppa pig big girl pants. I stared hard in the mirror as the chaos around me grew louder. And then darted out. It stunk. I told Vivien if she needed the toilet to let us know. She was a big girl now who wore big girl pants. She nodded. We found the bikes. Result.

I took Vivien to pay whilst Carolyn took Ruby back to the toilet again. I watched Vivien play inside the awful primary coloured Wendy houses that I will never allow in my garden. I proudly watched her climb the bright yellow plastic slide and as she slid down mouthed Holy Fuck as I noticed the immense skid mark she left behind her. The smell was causing my mouth to resemble a cats ass. The embarrassment caused a hot flush. I flagged Carolyn and handed Vivien to her. We rushed her to the car. Opened the boot. Realised we had no wipes. Swore. Found some old ones. Closed boot and went home.

I friggin hate shopping, I hate potty training, I hate Reading, and 124 other things I will tell you about in time.

Center Parcs – the arrival

We were sandwiched between two trucks of toddlers. I noticed a small girl in the back seat of her car looking at me shyly. I stared her out and sucked hard at my mint. At last we were waved through by a thin ugly little man in a CP uniform. Thank God I shouted as we slowly drove into a dark forrest. I was about to water the garden when we had to pull in again as a blonde CP attendant tapped at my window and welcomed us to CP. I forced a smile and then she was gone. She returned with our keys and a map showing our lodge. Pine 405. We were to drive to our lodge, unpack, and then take the car to the main car park. Easy.

40 ruddy minutes later we are still searching. We found Pine 404, we found Pine 403, 402, and 406 but where the ruddy hell was Pine 405? This was a joke. We drove round and around the Parc narrowly missing sweaty faced families on their bikes and jogging Mothers pushing prams. I was now about to wet my panties. The girls were hungry and having tantrums. Carolyn wanted to go home. I sucked hard and then Carolyn hit the breaks and I got out. I walked along the road, hissing at the families, dodging bikes and buses and was about to tarzan scream in the face of a midget Chinese lady who gave me a funny look when I found it. Pine 405. We had arrived. Thank Fuck

We parked up and unloaded the girls. They were screaming. Carolyn’s face was florid with rage as I grasped my front bottom and dashed down the path to our lodge. I turned the key. I turned it again. It opened. As I sat on my throne I could hear the commotion outside. For a moment I just wanted to stay here, locked in the toilet. Carolyn screamed my name and I ran back towards the noise and noticed a duck eating a frog. Grotesque little fucker! Did ducks eat meat? I grabbed Ruby and we all headed back to the lodge.

The next 30 minutes was spent unloading the ‘stuff’. Cotbed. Buckets. Spades. Clothes. Food. more food. more clothes. And so on. I walked up and down that bloody path until we were finally in. We arrived at 2pm, it was now 3.30pm. The accommodation was fabulous but we needed to eat and get our bearings. It was time to check out the Parc. And I needed a large, chilled snifter!

Bunting, Piss and the moustached French Lady

Monday 6th August – Bunting, Piss and the moustached French lady

I walked into a nightmare!

The shutter was half open and I had to crawl into the apartment. As I slowly straightened myself I was first hit by the smell. The appalling odour pervading the room reminded me of the shit hole they call a toilet at Jesse’s bar. I gagged for a second and then I saw it, the BUNTING, Euros and Sterling notes hanging from every corner of the apartment. Soggy urine drenched notes which Jolyon was drying off. Why Jolyon had decided to bring over £800 pounds for a 3 day trip I will never know. But right now, it was all hanging around me like Christmas Day.

Jolyon was still in his pit he called a bed. I had to rush to the toilet as my stomach was about to explode. When I returned he was beginning to wake. For a brief second I felt relief knowing he was alive. Then utter disgust! I stood staring at him as his eyes slowly opened. He smacked his lips and surveyed the room. He had woken when I had left to go wine tasting and removed the urine sodden notes from his wallet and hung them around the apartment. He had then resumed his sleep. I kicked him and he sat up. He could not remember anything about last night. He refused to believe he had pissed in the shower but was thoroughly delighted to hear he had beaten Fred the alcoholic in the drinking competition. Unfortunately he also had a rather sicky stomach and before I could say anymore he rushed past me and slammed the toilet door. I heard him groan and then flick the pages of his Classic Car magazine. 15 minutes later he came out grumbling there was no toilet paper and something about a gravy pot. I shuddered and carried my wine into my room.

I lay on the bed and noticed a couple of soggy stinking Euros hanging from my window. I jumped up and pulled them down. I threw them at Jolyon and then washed my hands. I washed them again. And one more time to be safe. I walked into the sitting room and sprayed it with Joe Malone. Two flies fell to the floor. I grabbed my iPad, my mints and told Jolyon we should go pay the bar bill. He said he felt sick but would meet me at the bar after he had showered.

I walked slowly up the road to the bar. I felt rotten. Fred the alcoholic had still not surfaced. Loola the gypsy was at the bar reading a paper and the cough mixture lady was arguing with a small fat woman who had a moustache and dressed like a man. She was smoking Gitanes and the smell made me faint. I moved to a table at the end of the bar and ordered a diet coke. Coco came over and said something. I nodded my head and grinned. I sipped my drink and noticed the man-woman smoking the Gitanes staring at me. I looked up and she gave me a wide grin. Her teeth were black and jagged and I saw bits of food festering in the gaps. I turned away.  I like a lady, but she was something else!!

In Cransac everybody kisses you three times. I did not want this woman coming anywhere near me. The third kiss was the worst. I felt her bristles. She had hairy nostrils and her blue overalls were covered in car oil. She moved back to her table and lit up another Gitanes. I opened up my ipad and felt violated.

I saw his head first, looking out of the shutters like a monkey surveying the land before coming out. He crawled out, closed the shutter and marched towards the bar. I looked at him and was suddenly taken back 30 years to when he was a little boy practising to be a magician. With his top hat, his plastic chicken and wand, he used to run thru the house naked, pouncing on guests like Cato. I hummed the Dad’s Army tune to myself as he approached and could see he was not feeling good.

I suggested we eat something. We both felt sick and had runny bottoms. Jolyon seemed a little pale in colour. He ordered a glass of wine and his colour returned. I also ordered a glass of wine and nearly puked. Only one sleep to go and then home.