Center Parcs – Tarzan, Piss and Tattooed Grannies

I slept soundly and felt very refreshed. Carolyn had not. Nor had the kids. Today we were going swimming. I dug out my old costume and put my panties over my costume so as not to forget them. Carolyn was still feeling quite ill. The girls were arguing over some crappy Peppa Pig toy and I just wanted to get the fuck out of here. I herded the girls outside and mounted the rickshaw. I fell off. I remounted and off we went. Carolyn rode her own mountain bike. I was a little jealous as I looked and felt a prize prat wobbling through the forest with my ginger ninjas screaming Giddy Up from the back. I ignored the smiles from passing parents and instead picked up pace and headed to the Dome of Stench!

It was busy, kids all over the place, frantic mothers rushing around looking for changing rooms. Fathers wishing they were anywhere but here. Wet floors, humid, chlorine smelling with a hint of cheap perfume. We entered the changing rooms and found somewhere to get changed. We could barely move, we had packed enough bags for a trip around Europe! Our ‘family changing room’ was a hot little shit hole in a cluster of shit holes within a dome full of shits. I so wanted to get the hell out. The girls were crying. Carolyn wanted to puke, and I was having a hot flush. I removed my outer layer and announced I was ready. I walked with my head held high, holding in my stomach, clutching the girls, as we made our way towards the pool. We walked passed a mirror and it was then I realised I was still wearing my panties over my costume! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!

I held in my tummy and waded into the pool of piss. Children were splashing around me, I pushed passed them to try and get to the deep end. There was no deep end. I swam around the mayhem when an almighty loud Tarzan call came over the loudspeakers. I swallowed a mouthful of warm water as suddenly the pool was full of ferocious waves. I was hit by a tidal wave so strong it pushed me into the shallower end. I wiped away the snot and pulled my costume out of my bottom and swam towards a small cave. Some stairs took me to a hidden hot tub outside. I swam out of the tub and followed an elderly granny into the outside pool, the current suddenly grabbed my ankles and before I could cry ruddy flipping hell I was being dragged down the white water rapids that circle the plaza. I screamed as I was plunged into waters so violent I thought I would drown. Just as I thought it could not get any worse I was thrust down a 20 foot slide and landed with my legs wrapped around the head of the poor granny I had seen earlier. Dear God in Heaven. I apologised profusely. She struggled to get out, I watched and noticed the rose tattoo on her arm. Mmmmmmm I felt no remorse at all after seeing that. Granny’s should not have tattoos! No ruddy way!

Center Parcs, The Dome and my Farmer Giles

Center Parcs – getting our bearings

We put the girls in their pram and walked. We had no idea where. The roads were busy with prams and bikes and happy looking families. I hated them all. After ten mins we noticed the rather large Dome. It smelt of food, chlorine and baby shit. Hundreds of bikes and trikes and trailers and prams were padlocked to railings around it. There was also a wild white water rapids stream running very fast around the outer edge in full view of everybody. I knew I was not going to like this. I popped another mint in my mouth and we walked into the stench dome! Our aim was to find Cafe Rouge, order food and wine, find a supermarket and go back to the lodge. Then park the car. Easy.

It was big and busy, with huge palm trees, a kind of sub tropical ‘Oracle’. Small streams ran through the plaza, housing the fattest koi carp I have ever seen. We hurried through the supermarket and stopped in the booze aisle. Pia d’Or, Lindemans, Blossom ruddy Hill. I eyeballed each and every bottle and decided they were all pants. I was gutted. As a non drinker Carolyn had no sympathy and hurried me out. I grabbed a small bottle of Peroni Beer on route and cradled it like a new born. Cafe Rouge was shut, however Hucks American Burger joint was about to open – how delightful! Hound Dog was playing loudly as we were seated in the empty restaurant. My head was pounding, Carolyn had stomach pains and Ruby had shat in her nappy. The spotty dick with a funny hat came to take our order. He smelt of Linx and fags and I decided I did not like him one little bit. We scoffed and legged it back to the lodge. Carolyn settled the girls while I offered to take the car to the car park.

I thought the car park was nearby. It was not. I drove around and around for 20 minutes until I eventually found it. It was miles from our lodge. Fuck it!! I slammed the car door, pulled up my leggings and started the long walk back to Pine 405. I had my high heeled boots on, my feet hurt and my head still pounded. A bike headed my way and I had to jump to the left. I hate outdoorsy people!! As I walked a little further I saw a sign advertising bikes to rent. I paid the man and I hopped on the lady mountain bike with the trailer on the back and began to cycle. It hurt. I felt a prat. But it was the quickest way home. The bike picked up pace down the path to our lodge and the crash brought Carolyn to the front door. Her astonished look said it all. I dismounted. I poured a beer and took a headache pill.

Our lovely big double bed with the view of the forrest, and most beautiful en suite had the twins in it as they refused to sleep in the cots. Our room was a small twin. Carolyn still felt ill from a dodgy pizza the night before and said goodnight. I sat on the sofa wondering if the bike ride had aggitated my piles. I took to my bed and as I snuggled into my crisp white sheets I turned to face the en suite bathroom and heard Carolyn puking her guts up.

What a wonderful start to our holiday I thought. Tomorrow we take the girls swimming. Hurrah!?!?

Center Parcs – the arrival

We were sandwiched between two trucks of toddlers. I noticed a small girl in the back seat of her car looking at me shyly. I stared her out and sucked hard at my mint. At last we were waved through by a thin ugly little man in a CP uniform. Thank God I shouted as we slowly drove into a dark forrest. I was about to water the garden when we had to pull in again as a blonde CP attendant tapped at my window and welcomed us to CP. I forced a smile and then she was gone. She returned with our keys and a map showing our lodge. Pine 405. We were to drive to our lodge, unpack, and then take the car to the main car park. Easy.

40 ruddy minutes later we are still searching. We found Pine 404, we found Pine 403, 402, and 406 but where the ruddy hell was Pine 405? This was a joke. We drove round and around the Parc narrowly missing sweaty faced families on their bikes and jogging Mothers pushing prams. I was now about to wet my panties. The girls were hungry and having tantrums. Carolyn wanted to go home. I sucked hard and then Carolyn hit the breaks and I got out. I walked along the road, hissing at the families, dodging bikes and buses and was about to tarzan scream in the face of a midget Chinese lady who gave me a funny look when I found it. Pine 405. We had arrived. Thank Fuck

We parked up and unloaded the girls. They were screaming. Carolyn’s face was florid with rage as I grasped my front bottom and dashed down the path to our lodge. I turned the key. I turned it again. It opened. As I sat on my throne I could hear the commotion outside. For a moment I just wanted to stay here, locked in the toilet. Carolyn screamed my name and I ran back towards the noise and noticed a duck eating a frog. Grotesque little fucker! Did ducks eat meat? I grabbed Ruby and we all headed back to the lodge.

The next 30 minutes was spent unloading the ‘stuff’. Cotbed. Buckets. Spades. Clothes. Food. more food. more clothes. And so on. I walked up and down that bloody path until we were finally in. We arrived at 2pm, it was now 3.30pm. The accommodation was fabulous but we needed to eat and get our bearings. It was time to check out the Parc. And I needed a large, chilled snifter!

Center Parcs – Here We Come

I’ve been up since 5am, it is now 9.30 and still we pack. Our plan is to feed the girls their lunch and then leave. They should sleep in the car. Mother is over from France to house sit and feed cats, in between the clicking of her knitting needles, the nibbling of her Rich Tea biscuits and slurping of Tea. The girls scream in excitement. Carolyn is screaming at the girls. Mother knits. Misty my faithful crusty cat sits on top of the fridge watching the chaos below. I have a bad feeling about this. I wish I was going to ruddy Egypt!

Carolyn’s stop start driving was about to make me puke all over her. My fists were clenched and I sucked furiously on my 3rd xtra strong mint. This journey was long and painful. Thankfully the girls had stopped singing twinkle twinkle and fallen asleep. As we approached Stonehenge we both stared in amazement as the car veered off into the bush. My mint hit the back of my mouth and I choked loudly as I cursed Carolyn for her bad driving. Ten minutes later we arrive and line up behind a ‘family car’ carrying what looks like immigrants and their bikes. I feel sick. The queue into the parc is forever. The girls are awake. Carolyn is still not talking to me and I need a piss.

The road is long…………

Center Parcs

We decided to go on a family holiday. Horrah I thought as I rushed upstairs to wipe the dust of my Ambre Solaire oil and try in vain to squeeze into my kini (last worn in Corfu). I checked out where was hot and decided Canary Islands or Egypt. We would stay in a 5 star hotel and I would spend all day by the sea soaking up the sun while Carolyn would tend to the children. I had it all worked out. Sun HERE I RUDDY COME. And then my dream was shattered. Carolyn announced she had booked 4 days in Center Parcs in Longleat, with our 2 year old twins, Ruby & Vivien. We leave on Monday. Back on Friday. I gather we live in a shack in the woods under a dome with other ‘families’. And we cycle everywhere. God ruddy help me.

Follow my blog to find out exactly how our holiday went.